Husbands don't like to share dessert. End of Story.

Dear Sisee –

I can’t believe you put yourself out there! Frankly, with your generally pessimistic, glass-half-empty attitude, I never thought you’d take my advice. Which is why I’m always dispensing it so freely, even though you’re the psychologist. I just figure if I throw enough Velcro-covered balls at the yellow felt wall thing, one or two are bound to eventually stick. So, good for you for taking my advice! Yeah! Huah! (Yes, “huah” from that one Al Pacino movie where he’s blind and says a lot of very seriously uncomfortable and inappropriate things about the female anatomy, yet still manages to come off as “endearing” because of the whole blindness thing. Oh, and Chris O’Donnel! What happened to that guy? He was so cute. Oh no, he’s on a CSI spinoff now, isn’t he? Don’t tell me. Sigh, why?! He could’ve done so much better. Well… could he have? I don’t know. Maybe I should stop judging him – the man probably has a wife and kids and a mortgage from 2005 when he probably bought something in the “Pacific Pallisades” for way more than it’s now worth. Fine, Chris O’Donnel, do CSI. My apologies. )

Not related to letter, but Chris O'Donnel has mouths to feed. Stop judging him for CSI: LA

Seriously though – you are not at all a pessimist, and I applaud you for trying to branch out. Also, as you so wisely wrote in the comments section of your blog -  the likeliest scenario is that cool Philly moms already have groups of close friends and aren’t seeking out more via meetup sites. So you are left with the controlling, insecure, cult-creators, hoping to capitalize on newbies’ desperation to grow their group. I love that at one point during your awkward date, you laughed out loud! Sis, I’m kinda surprised you didn’t start somethin’, Michael Jackson-style (got to be startin somethin’, yeah yeah).  I’m totally sister-mad that someone thought it was ok to put you in that situation. What did she think was gonna happen?... you’d suddenly realize the error of your ways, apologize and immediately fork over the $5 membership fee? Rude! Aw, but knowing the special love you have in your heart for uncomfortable situations, I’m also kinda happy for you. If there’s one thing we’ve learned from this (yes, “we” – clearly the sister empathy makes me just as much a victim, if, frankly, not more so) it’s that we should be open to new friendships even if we already have a super awesome mommy circle. So, really, the lesson is for me, not you. Sorry. I am (truly) thinking about visiting meetup.com (OMG, I almost wrote “trolling”… WHY?!) to see if there are any great moms in Portland in your situation, who I could connect with other good mommy friends. See, your trials aren’t for naught. I’m so glad you’ll be visiting soon and I can give you lots of love. Love you so much, Sisee.

Sis, if you recall, back in me ol’ college days, I had befriended a hilarious old couple – Lily and Irwin from NYC –  with whom I would have coffee and chit chat on somewhat of a regular basis. They were childless, stylish and would freely dispense all manner of advice and share all sorts of so-crazy-it-must-be-true stories with me over coffee. I really have to write about them more in depth another time (they partied with Danny Kaye!), but one of the things about them that I always found intriguing was the way they shared dessert. We would often meet at coffee shops and cafes, and they would always get one dessert to split between the two of them. BUT, they wouldn’t just split said dessert the usual one plate / two forks method – they would instead also get a second plate, cut the untouched dessert in half and place one piece on the other plate, thereby having two separate half desserts instead of one shared dessert. Make sense? Ok, I always thought this was odd, but not enough so to ever ask why. It just seemed weird that two people in love (especially for so long) would want to remove the romantic part of sharing a dessert – the sharing part. Well, fast forward to modern-day, married Ava, and it all suddenly comes in CLEAR as day. Sis, I’ve realized something: HUSBANDS DON’T LIKE SHARING DESSERT. They like dessert and they certainly like you, but it’s not in their chromosomal make-up to split dessert with anyone, even wifey aziz. Now they pretend, mind you, that they are “sharing” with you, (and because they love you, they may even believe they are “sharing”… am I right? Doctor Sara?) but if you pay close attention you suddenly notice some alarming behaviors: A) They take bites that are 2-3 times the size of a woman’s. While you’re gingerly gathering the perfect morsel of chocolate tort with the edge of your fork, he’s stabbing at that thing like he’s digging for beef inside a bowl of stew. B) They consume at DOUBLE the consumption rate. Bada bing, bada boom, finito.  They’re fast eaters and savoring dessert isn’t gonna fit into the mathematical equation. So basically they are eating twice as much, twice as fast, which mathematically means you (the wife) get only about 25% of the dessert (or I should say what I assume is “mathematically” were I to try to make a nerdy mathematical equation out of something this ridiculous) (actually, I’m not clever enough to legitimately develop a mathematical answer – if someone else did it, I’d be impressed and SUPER interested in the results)… Ok, where was I… oh yeah, because you are eating from ONE plate, it SEEMS you are 50/50 sharing. Brilliant, right?! (Well, for husbands, not wifeys.)

She: Wow, that's one awesome head of hair.
He: I'm gonna eat all of the dessert.

Now, mind you, I’ve been married 7.5 years but only figured this out in the last year or so. One night Brett and I were “sharing” something after dinner – imagine a cheesecake or similar – and I realized that even though I was not particularly hungry, I was eating really superfast. And I also realized that I wasn’t enjoying said cheesecake because I was consuming it with little to no “savor” factor- I was just rapid-pace eat-sprinting through dessert. Soooo not fun and totally against my nature. (I like to take my time. Bite here. Sip of beverage there. Another bite or two, with all the proper proportions of dessert components. So on and so forth.) So WHY was I marathon racing through dessert?! Well, in order to (subconsciously) ensure I got my fair share! So after a few such episodes, I thought to myself ok, this is ridiculous! and started… are you ready for it… asking for my share of dessert on a SEPARATE PLATE! TADA! And I have to tell you… even though Brett loves me (and I’m positive he does)… he didn’t seem too happy about it. He was kind of reluctant at first like  Why do we need to get another plate dirty? We’re SHARING. but eventually, we developed a system of pre-splitting the dessert (or TRUE SHARING as I like to call it. In my head.) We’ve never talked about it or anything, but now we have entered an interesting (and frankly AWESOME) new phase of dessert sharing where we get two SEPARATE desserts and give each other a few bites upon request. I feel so liberated! I’m not rushing through my sugary confection and can take my time enjoying every bite – and even saving any that I may feel would be more appreciated the next day. Amazing! Everyone is happy! So rise up wives and claim what is rightly yours! – the whole 50% of the dessert which you were promised and nothing less!

Sis, I feel I should conclude my letter with an update on potty training. When last I wrote, things were a hot (wet, gross) mess. Well, we have made much progress! It has been at least 3 weeks since Evan has worn any sort of diaper – pull-up included. He is no longer deathly afraid of the #2. We got rid of Totally Ineffective Potty Chart and with the dangling promise of suckers, cupcakes and ice-cream sandwiches (sometimes for breakfast… honestly, if he was smart enough, he could totally leverage the poop-in-the-potty thing to get sweets for whole days on end - I’d totally do it), he does his business and moves forward. We still have accidents on occasion – which are surprisingly still totally disgusting and nothing less… pee and poop are always gross, who knew?! – but all in all, it has been a successful and money saving endeavor. I’m surprised someone from Costco corporate hasn’t called to ask why our monthly spending has reduced by $50-100. Maybe they don’t have a person who handles that. Or maybe we are just spending that same money on ice cream sandwiches and red velvet cake (it’s $10 for that whole gigantic thing! TEN DOLLARS! Sold. Next.)

Sis, I’m heading to San Diego to make good on all my weather trash talk from earlier posts. Also, I’m going to get some sun. It’s the middle of June, and it was at one point this afternoon 55 and rainy. Don’t get me started. DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED. Love you so much and am thrilled that I’ll be seeing you 3 days after I return from SoCal. Many kisses for that beautifull niece of mine.

Xoxoxo

Ava