Machines Save All of Us!

Dearest Sissy-roo spacek,

Wow, what is going on with potty-training? I’m traumatized from your description of the shower/toilet debacle. No one. No one ever warned me of that. They just gave “swaddling” tips and “she’ll start smiling around 6 weeks” -not, one day you’ll be cleaning adult size poop off your couch. Wow. Thanks to your last entry, I’ve decided to put off potty training Sofia for another few weeks. We’re taking a weekend trip to Miami at the end of this month, and thinking about having to find disgusting public bathrooms in a foreign land (I’m still trying to get the state of Florida removed from US territory -you know, because of the whole serial killer breeding ground thing). I’m already frightened of public restrooms, but as my good friend L reminded me the other day, “just wait until her legs, pants, underwear, all rub up against the side of the toilet.” EW!!!! I CAN’T. I CAN’T DO THIS! I’m seriously considering having my mother-in-law take care of the whole situation. She has a lot more patience and frankly, that’s not a mommy war-wound I’d mind avoiding. I can just imagine the other mom’s complaining about how hard and difficult potty-training was -me nodding in agreement, while silently overjoyed at having avoided the whole fiasco (flashback to Sofia & Grandma painstakingly working, while I’m in a car, windows rolled down singing, “It’s a death trap, a suicide rap, we gotta get out while we’re young, CAUSE TRAMPS LIKE US, BABY WE WERE BORN TO RUUUU-UUUUN!” I realize, all of this, mind you, is just a pipe dream...and no, I don’t plan on abandoning my family. 

On another note, you are so correct about Dora’s constant screaming. Why is she yelling at us? Non-stop. That’s why I’m grateful for Caillou. He’s just a young boy, who each day, is learning some more -and most importantly, it’s narrated by grandma. It’s the only cartoon that doesn’t make monday mornings unbearable. Now Caillou, as you know, normally has some song in the middle of the episode, sometimes about cleaning, helping out, the outdoors, etc. But recently, I’ve stumbled across one of his songs about machines. The song is set to a Beach Boys tune, about how we can’t live life without machines, “machines, machines they’re working for us, from driving down the road to cooking beans” and the chorus is, “machines save all of us.” So naturally, this song has become a favorite, mostly because it is ridiculous, and the fact that it’s trying to subtly indoctrinate our children to allow the rise of machines against humans, a la the documentary series Terminator. So the point of this story is that I’m regularly singing, “machines save all of us!” and yesterday, I told Dean to listen to the song and share in the absurdity with me. He listens, laughing to himself, and says, “Wait? what? Machines save all THE FUSS, you know they help people...SAVE THE FUSS!” So naturally, Dean ruined the song for me. Now, it all makes sense, and has therefore totally lost it’s appeal. 

I feel like Sofia’s vocabulary has just jumped in the last month, she repeats everything and puts 2-3 word sentences together so well. This, albeit, adorable, is now a source of worry for me, because we have to be extra careful of what we say. No, I’m not just referring to swearing, but even cute things we say to her. For example, when she burps, Dean will say, “wow piggy,” in a cutesy way. So now, when he burps she says the same thing. The other day, we were out, and someone burped, and she yelled “PIGGY!” Now, it was pretty funny, and they didn’t hear, but seriously, what if she does that now to everyone? and I don’t know if I’m crazy, but I think in worst case scenarios: what if a police officer burps? Omg, what would I do? What could I say? I’d be mortified, and really have to then just say, “No, I swear, we appreciate officers! Just ones with MANNERS.” 

Here is another thing I never thought parenting was about: Do you ever feel like there is someone working against you? Namely, your child? Like it’s not enough to remember to do 100 things, but then you have to also remember to make sure your child doesn’t undo whatever you just did. For example, I had a coupon emailed to me from the babyGap that I wanted to use over the weekend. So, instead of procrastinating, I pulled it up, put printer paper in, printed it, then -instead of just leaving it on the printer until I was ready to leave, I decided to be responsible and place it directly into my purse. Now flash forward a few hours, at the check out stand, and of course, said coupon is no where to be found. WHY? Classic rookie mistake. Even though my purse was in a closed closet, Sofia would get daddy to open said door, and then remove whatever important object was needed. It’s not enough to do the right thing, you have to remember there is a force working to undo it at all times. It goes without saying that cleaning the house operates under the same conditions.

Not only is Sofia getting super big and using all sort of words and expressions, including “blah, blah, blah,” you would be proud to know that she is an art connoisseur. Wherever we go, she notices large paintings, mostly modern, abstract art, and says, “woooow! painting!” and keeps wanting to return to the paintings...nonstop. She’ll walk back to the paintings repeatedly, and become upset in our attempts to direct her away from them. It’s actually adorable, and regularly says “praaaty (pretty) pentang (painting).” It’s so cute and I really hope she will be able to express herself one day through her own artwork, unless of course, it’s “modern/contemporary” dance -because then I’d be forced to push her towards baby pageants, ‘cause anything is better than that super sad, fall on the ground, non-sensical “dancing.” (“You know it!” -exclaims the infomercial audience)

Alright siss-myss. When will you come out to the east coast for a visit? I miss your family so much and wish they were able to enjoy our beautiful spring, sunny, warm, go outside whenever you want...weather. I love you tons.

xo xo,

Sissy Sara