My Husband Thinks I'm a Cougar

Beloved Sisee -
Thanks for your wonderful letter filled only with truths and nothing else. 
I agree and completely identify with your assertion that kids are an equal-but-opposite force, working against Mommy at all times. Reminds me of that one “Law” of physics that I don’t care enough about to Google right now. Let’s just call it “Second Law of Kids” and agree that we know where it stems from. (First Law of Kids is obviously related to potty issues.) Anyway, so just yesterday I was folding laundry and “I do it” Evan came over and asked to “help.” It had been a loooong day and we were all tired and sick, so I tried to divert him from making an already tedious task even harder. I thought I had been successful, but when I came back from a mandatory Alec feeding (who was trying to spoon the food on to the floor the entire time I was helping him eat – BAM! Second Law of Kids gotchoo.) what should I see…? Evan had unfolded 75% of the folded laundry. And apparently very stealthily ‘cause I hadn’t seen it happen. And of course by the time I noticed, he had moved on to something else and reprimanding him would’ve just caused more mayhem. So I let it go, but that kid SLK’d me and didn’t even look back. What I like is that he didn't unfold ALL the laundry. At some point he realized Wait, this is boring, and quit. Example #2 – I had frosted a bunch of mini cupcakes and was putting little toothpick signs in them (this is a major part of my life now: cupcakes and cake pops.) Evan approached (Uh-oh. Play it cool. Just play it cool.) and asked if he could “watch” me. Ok, fair enough. Kid just wants to watch, no worries. I turned my back for literally five seconds, and he had taken four of the signs out of the cupcakes, smudging the frosting – BAM! SLK’d. Again. And these are both examples from the SAME day. You’re sooooo right that no one tells you about this Second Law of Kids phenomenon. They’re too busy extolling the virtues of back sleep and trying to push their hippie, tie-dye baby carriers on you to explain that just after you’ve finished cleaning the bathroom, you'll forget to close the door and your 16 month old will go in and start ladling bucketfuls of water out of the toilet on to the floor. Also same day. SLK’d.

So, as you know, our home is a one-television household. More or less by design, so that Brett and I are forced to spend time together and compromise rather than retreating to our separate quarters after the kids go sleep. (I think my smart psychologist sister may have suggested it.) So on a recent evening, I had the losing end of the compromise and was watching Stargate Nerd SyFy Universe Show (official name, I’m pretty sure.) During one of the commercial breaks, Brett stopped forwarding on the DVR in order to watch the ad for some superhero/ancient-time-type movie (totally normal.) I can’t even begin to recall the premise of said movie, but during the commercial there was the obligatory shot of six-pack-abs guy removing his shirt. And Brett turned to me and said “Do you wanna see that movie?” which is typically what he says after previews of sci-fi flicks, knowing full well the answer is no. I responded with something like “I don’t think so, but you go ahead hun.” Then he said something CRAZY. I’m still kinda shocked thinking about it. He said “No, it doesn’t look very good, but I thought you’d wanna see it ‘cause of that young guy.” Dead serious. He wasn’t joking. I waited for a chuckle, and when I realized he honestly believed I would PAY TO SEE A MOVIE IN THEATRES (the twice a year that I actually go) in order to see some 20-something “hot” guy, I was like “WHAT! OMG! Do you honestly believe I would PAY TO SEE A MOVIE IN THEATRES in order to see some 20-something ‘hot’guy?!?!” He replied casually “You wouldn’t?” OMG! NO! I WOULDN’T! (Which I said, just like that.) He naturally just brushed the whole thing off and continued watching his show like “Oh, ok, my bad.” I was all “Hey! I’M NOT A COUGAR!” And he replied with something like “Ok, ok, I get it.” Seriously though, I’m pretty sure he didn’t get it. First of all, I’m thirty-three (ok, ok, almost 34, simmer down mathletes) – not nearly old enough to be a coug. Also, I don't own anything leopard print. Next… EW! Forget spending money in theaters – there is nothing I can think of (NOTHING!) that I would go out of my way to do, in order to see hot young men. Seriously! I really, truly wouldn’t! Suffice it to say I was so disturbed / offended that I literally interrupted his show four or five more times to say things like “Hey, Babe… I don’t do things based on seeing good-looking men. Like NEVER. Never, EVER. Ok?” Also, “Babe. Hey Babe, can you pause that for a moment? Thanks. Ok, so… I’m not a cougar, ok?” Anyway, completely ridiculous. I don’t know where this came from considering I’ve never once whistled at a construction worker. I can’t even whistle! Whatever.

Ah, the adventures of being a wife/mommy. This last weekend, it was so beautiful and sunny (well just one of the days, who are we kidding this is Oregon). Brett and I were hanging out in the front yard with the boys. Evan was playing on his slide, Alec was running around Brett with a ball, and I was sitting on a blanket thumbing through a magazine. Every once in a while, Evan would come sit in my lap and ask me questions about the pictures (“Mommy what’s her name?” of women in the ads), then Alec would run over and “attack” my back with his hugs and kisses. I felt really blessed to have these 3 amazing guys in my life. I thought to myself I’m going to access this memory next time I’m mopping up toilet water.

Love you Sisee. Please keep rubbing your East Coast sunshine in my face - not making me bitter at all. Tell Sofs Auntie Ava misses her so much.
xoxo
Ava